Two Weeks

Well these two weeks just flew by!


When I started this blog, I told myself it was important to always be honest. No matter how it made me look to other people.  I write this blog mostly for myself since I find that as I type it helps me to sort out how I truly feel.  I also write for those who have children on the autism spectrum to hopefully feel just a bit less alone and isolated. Finally, I write for those who do not have a child on the spectrum to understand my gal and my family because it's important for her future that people are not afraid of her. I want the world to embrace her for who she is. Honesty is the only way that these goals can be met.


So confession:  When RJC went to overnight camp this summer, I was more excited than nervous. I needed a break. This year was the first time I ever admitted that to myself and even to some close friends. With things being so precarious with the State and Federal budget (which will have a HUGE affect on our lives) and the general emotional exhaustion of always being "on" when RJC is awake and the added fact that I'm getting older and tire more easily, I needed some time for just my hubby and me.


In the past few years that she has gone to camp, we took a mini vacation someplace fairly close by - perhaps a few hours by car. This year we both took off two weeks and flew out of state to spend time with family and a few days by ourselves. We were only gone 8 days, but it felt like longer. Coming home, we gave ourselves a few days to catch up on laundry and cleaning and just generally get organized before we picked up RJC. 


This morning was the day for pick up. I woke up feeling incredibly nervous and anxious about it. Not in a good way. I was worried about how the homecoming would go, as we made a few changes which may not go over well. For example, we decided we would insist that she use headphones when on her iPad, and we moved a bunch of her stuff that she liked to keep in the middle of our counter into a "special RJC drawer." None of this may sound particularly drastic, but believe me, it was. I wondered if I would lose a wall or end up black and blue from pinches. My stomach was letting me know that tension and stress was setting in. We hadn't even left the house yet to pick her up.


I was also sad that I was losing my time with my husband. For the last two weeks we were pretty much inseparable and I loved every minute of it. Yes, I do believe we will eventually (G-d willing) "do" retirement just fine! We slept a bit later, took naps when we wanted to, went out to eat without worry, did lots of sightseeing, had adult conversations with others that were uninterrupted, and had many conversations between us that solidified our union.  I couldn't help waking up and feeling sad today - even resentful - that this time was no longer a regular part of our day.


Here's the interesting part though. We went to pick up our gal and the second I saw her and she said, "Mommy! You're back!" I melted - heart and soul. I didn't think of what I was losing. I immediately kicked into mom mode and it felt right. Hugging my gal and forehead to forehead, we reconnected immediately.


I don't feel guilty about how I was feeling. Parenting an adult who is a child for the rest of her life brings forth all sorts of complications - not just logistical but emotional. In the past I would have felt embarrassed, even ashamed to admit how I was feeling. No longer. I am not a perfect parent. I am no supermom. I am just one of many warrior mamas getting through the day, protecting my family, and living life the best way I know how. Some days will be easier than others - just like everyone else's lives.


Here's the best part! She has been all smiles since she has come home. Took a bit of adjusting to the headphones and the new RJC drawer but I am currently sitting across from her, watching her use the headphones and giggle to the videos she is happily watching. 


As a side note, hubby and I have talked about the importance of spending time together. We are hoping to somehow carve out more time for ourselves this year to do some fun things together (instead of always dashing to do some errand while somebody is with our gal). I also explained to him that my girlfriends are incredibly important to me and I need some "lady time." He said that he needs time to do his own things as well so hopefully we will find some type of balance. Though we did not mean to lose ourselves as individuals or as a couple, we are attempting to get back on track. Of course, RJC is an absolute priority and we will be sure that she is happy with what she is doing while we are doing our own things. No doubt, time with her sister will be at the head of that list as well as time with others who care deeply for her.


I'd say these two weeks were two weeks of growth for the entire family. Separation has brought us closer. To those who have a difficult time  of letting go - please reach out to me. I can share my journey in more detail.  Indeed, it has been a journey. One I took too long to embark on. Trust me, I understand.


Two weeks. Ready for the rest of our lives.