This blog has become my Comfortable Spot. I love it here. I talk about some difficult stuff with complete honesty and it is a relief to get things off my chest. Writing also helps me to organize my thoughts while then leads to problem solving. Everyone should have a Comfortable Spot and this is mine.
In the past few months I have come to a somewhat uncomfortable realization about myself. I am no longer a good conversationalist. I used to be decent at the social thing. I could chat about various subjects - world issues, books, movies, sports, work, and various odds and ends that one would label "small talk." When meeting somebody for the first time, I was always interested in hearing about their lives. I loved learning about them and where they live, their families, their work, etc.
Today we went to meet somebody new. Somebody associated with a potential, very far-in-the-future program for RJC. It was an interesting, easy, flowing conversation with a tad bit of humor mixed in. When we left, I not only realized how relaxing it was to have an open, honest conversation but I also realized how often I feel incredibly awkward in a "normal" conversation. These types of conversations (that I used to easily slip into) have become much harder work.
I can easily slip into talking about my daughter and our family and all the craziness that surrounds us. It is literally on my mind all the time AND when I do talk about our family I speak with passion. I can get worked up, I can giggle at some things, and I can become emotional in all sorts of ways. We spend so much time in our household talking about how to do the everyday things that other people just go and do. Need to do the grocery shopping? First we need to talk about which one of us will stay with RJC in the store and which one will do our family shopping. Then we need to strategize - should we feed her first so we have a chance that she will be in a better mood or wait so that we can offer dinner and then a treat as reinforcement for good behavior? We need to remember the new program for safety in the parking lot - let's talk it over so we are on the same page. This is "normal" to me.
So now, when I am hanging out with people who do not work in some related field of special needs or live the life of special needs, I find that I sometimes feel uncomfortable. Instead of the easy banter I used to be able to enjoy, I talk about what is on my mind and about my family - and end up giving out much too much information and spending too much time talking about the day-to-day stuff that probably isn't all that interesting. I mean really. Nobody wants to talk about going to the grocery store.
The thing is, that for me, the grocery store trip was a major hurdle in my day and when we get through it I want to tell somebody!
Luckily, I have this blog. It's My Comfortable Spot. It's where I can say how things really are and not feel bad about doing so because that's the entire purpose for writing. I can write all sorts of things and people can choose to avoid reading all together or stop reading when they are tired of the topic. It won't hurt my feelings because I will never know. It's also a great place to play the honesty card. Again, it's the purpose for writing. I don't sugar coat anything and I'm not particularly careful with my words. It's easy to be here.
Still, I'm thinking that this is an area where I need to improve so here's my strategy: to remember to talk about whatever it is people talk about (you lead, I'll follow), and to remember that everyone has struggles...and we don't need to air them in every conversation.
That being said, I will also cut myself a break and know that My Comfortable Spot is here when needed...and so are my friends.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Home Renovations and Autism
We have reached the point where we just cannot stay in the house as it is and need to do some serious updating and renovating. Even me, “Queen of Accepting Mediocrity” has finally thrown in the towel so we are taking the plunge. We’ve gone on like this for a quite a while now, mostly waiting until a good amount of time has gone by that our gal wasn’t still creating huge holes in the wall and/or throwing things. While I am hesitant to say that we are good to go (trust me, if you went through even one of these episodes you’d never say “oh that will never happen again”) we need to have our home back. I need a space that is relaxing and comfortable. Hubby also made a very good point. We aren't always able to visit with people so we need a place where we can actually invite people in and not feel slightly mortified. That was the winning argument.
I do tend to be the real life version of "When You Give a Mouse a Cookie." Once we start doing something it inevitably leads to the need to do something else. This project is growing. On the positive side, our house is not very large. We are also excited to get to the end result so while we aren't looking forward to doing all of this, we are very much looking forward to having it done. That's motivating.
Home improvement is stressful for anyone. Add autism to the mix and there's an added dimension of stress to the process. We have been strategizing to try to figure out how to make this least impactful on our gal. We do not want a stressed out RJC (one stressed out woman in the house is plenty enough for Hubby). Here's a look at what we have been generally trying to consider in making this process bearable.
The first issue was figuring out when to do this. Since we need to be out of the house for a few days while the wood floor is fixed and finished, we decided we'd need to do this while the three of us are on a planned little getaway. That also means that we needed to come up with a plan quickly since that little getaway is coming up quickly!
Fixing the floor means taking everything out of the living room/dining room and apparently not wearing shoes on the floor for at least two weeks after they are done. The challenge is that RJC wears her sneakers until she takes her shower at 7 (not 6:59...7). We could not figure out how we were going to get her to put on slippers as this is so out of the routine. We decided that the best way to do this is to make a new rule starting immediately when she came home from camp. As soon as we come in the house we need to change to slippers. She was not thrilled and there was some loud protesting but we have been consistent about insisting that she change into her slippers. She now will do it with a reminder but usually no more protesting. I imagine that soon it will become part of her routine.
The other part of this is that we need to move all of the furniture out of the living room/dining room. The large pieces will need to wait until the very last minute before we leave, but we need to at least clean out everything. The bookshelves, the knickknacks, the various drawers, etc. RJC has certain items in certain places. She was not in the least bit cooperative when I started to move things around and put them in different rooms. In fact, she was downright loud and unhappy. I attempted to explain that we are getting a new floor...she looked at me like I had two heads. Finally I decided to leave some of her stuff out then slowly move it out, letting her know where it's going and that seems to be working. She has seen everything else moved out and seems to also understand none of the items are being thrown away and she sees them in other rooms. As I am now moving her things she is giving me some side glances but she's not fussing anymore. As of tonight, there are only 5 small items of hers left that I have moved to one empty shelf. Those will be easy to move at the last minute. Everything else is pretty much emptied out, and cleaned off and we mostly just have to move the actual furniture. Again, a last minute chore.
On the list of fixes and renovations to come, the other ones that will directly affect her are new furniture and new carpeting. She has officially killed the couch. It's not just broken it's super broken. I can't explain what she did, but the part of the couch that she sits on is lopsided - the back that she leans on as well as the foot part that kicks out. We are now looking for a couch that she cannot break. HA! Do they even make such a thing? We also need to do this quickly because if we are going to go through the trouble of moving the furniture out to fix the wood floors, we are not putting a broken couch back on the new floor. The new couch needs to be ordered and ready by the time we come back from our little getaway. Tick tock tick tock. The pressure is on. We've looked in some stores, we've called a few places, we've been online. Finding RJC proof furniture that we also like is not easy. The sales people have tried to help us but when we explain what we are looking for they pretty much look perplexed and a bit fearful. Yep. This will be fun.
As for the carpeting, its the same issue. We need to take the furniture out of her room so I do not want to put back her broken dresser. Yes, I realize this does not make us sound good. We have lots of broken furniture. Please don't judge. Just believe me when I tell you it's been complicated. In any case, before we take care of the carpeting we will need to find a new dresser for her room, preferably one that will hold up.
Other than these projects, there are others we will be doing that hopefully they will not impact her world as directly. For now we are walking a tightrope. Some things just need to be done and there is no way to do them without her cooperation, or at least without her tolerance. She has certainly grown emotionally in the last few years so we really think this is the time. It needs to be the time because my own tolerance for the whacky set up we have been living with is gone. I want my home back.
Clicking my heels three times and hoping for the best.
I do tend to be the real life version of "When You Give a Mouse a Cookie." Once we start doing something it inevitably leads to the need to do something else. This project is growing. On the positive side, our house is not very large. We are also excited to get to the end result so while we aren't looking forward to doing all of this, we are very much looking forward to having it done. That's motivating.
Home improvement is stressful for anyone. Add autism to the mix and there's an added dimension of stress to the process. We have been strategizing to try to figure out how to make this least impactful on our gal. We do not want a stressed out RJC (one stressed out woman in the house is plenty enough for Hubby). Here's a look at what we have been generally trying to consider in making this process bearable.
The first issue was figuring out when to do this. Since we need to be out of the house for a few days while the wood floor is fixed and finished, we decided we'd need to do this while the three of us are on a planned little getaway. That also means that we needed to come up with a plan quickly since that little getaway is coming up quickly!
Fixing the floor means taking everything out of the living room/dining room and apparently not wearing shoes on the floor for at least two weeks after they are done. The challenge is that RJC wears her sneakers until she takes her shower at 7 (not 6:59...7). We could not figure out how we were going to get her to put on slippers as this is so out of the routine. We decided that the best way to do this is to make a new rule starting immediately when she came home from camp. As soon as we come in the house we need to change to slippers. She was not thrilled and there was some loud protesting but we have been consistent about insisting that she change into her slippers. She now will do it with a reminder but usually no more protesting. I imagine that soon it will become part of her routine.
The other part of this is that we need to move all of the furniture out of the living room/dining room. The large pieces will need to wait until the very last minute before we leave, but we need to at least clean out everything. The bookshelves, the knickknacks, the various drawers, etc. RJC has certain items in certain places. She was not in the least bit cooperative when I started to move things around and put them in different rooms. In fact, she was downright loud and unhappy. I attempted to explain that we are getting a new floor...she looked at me like I had two heads. Finally I decided to leave some of her stuff out then slowly move it out, letting her know where it's going and that seems to be working. She has seen everything else moved out and seems to also understand none of the items are being thrown away and she sees them in other rooms. As I am now moving her things she is giving me some side glances but she's not fussing anymore. As of tonight, there are only 5 small items of hers left that I have moved to one empty shelf. Those will be easy to move at the last minute. Everything else is pretty much emptied out, and cleaned off and we mostly just have to move the actual furniture. Again, a last minute chore.
On the list of fixes and renovations to come, the other ones that will directly affect her are new furniture and new carpeting. She has officially killed the couch. It's not just broken it's super broken. I can't explain what she did, but the part of the couch that she sits on is lopsided - the back that she leans on as well as the foot part that kicks out. We are now looking for a couch that she cannot break. HA! Do they even make such a thing? We also need to do this quickly because if we are going to go through the trouble of moving the furniture out to fix the wood floors, we are not putting a broken couch back on the new floor. The new couch needs to be ordered and ready by the time we come back from our little getaway. Tick tock tick tock. The pressure is on. We've looked in some stores, we've called a few places, we've been online. Finding RJC proof furniture that we also like is not easy. The sales people have tried to help us but when we explain what we are looking for they pretty much look perplexed and a bit fearful. Yep. This will be fun.
As for the carpeting, its the same issue. We need to take the furniture out of her room so I do not want to put back her broken dresser. Yes, I realize this does not make us sound good. We have lots of broken furniture. Please don't judge. Just believe me when I tell you it's been complicated. In any case, before we take care of the carpeting we will need to find a new dresser for her room, preferably one that will hold up.
Other than these projects, there are others we will be doing that hopefully they will not impact her world as directly. For now we are walking a tightrope. Some things just need to be done and there is no way to do them without her cooperation, or at least without her tolerance. She has certainly grown emotionally in the last few years so we really think this is the time. It needs to be the time because my own tolerance for the whacky set up we have been living with is gone. I want my home back.
Clicking my heels three times and hoping for the best.
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