The second difference occurred because we decided to take a walk since we had a few hours before we needed to pick up our gal. It's winter here, about mid-thirties. We dressed appropriately and took a ride to a spot where we had never been. We have always enjoyed taking walks together but 2019 threw us a bit of a curve ball in that Hubby was dealing with a medical issue so he was unusually tired. As 2019 was coming to a close, we had spent almost the entire year with him needing to have tests, office visits, procedures, specialists, treatment, etc. and most were about an hour away. It was tiring and stressful and complicated with RJC needing constant supervision but now the year was winding down, he is in a much better place medically (thank G-d) and we are beginning 2020 with all things pointing in the right direction.
As we were walking along, we were holding hands and he was leading the way, gently guiding us around and over slush, mud, puddly spots, patches of snow. When we hit ice (and by "hit" I mean we both went slip-sliding) we turned around and navigated back. We saw some lovely views, we appreciated the quiet, we acknowledged a few fellow walkers we happened upon, and in general just enjoyed the cool air and each other's company. I reflected on how this walk mirrors our life together. We go hand in hand every day, navigating different obstacles.
So what was so significant about this specific walk? As we walked along, I started to feel better than I had in a long while. It was almost like the fresh air was offering a fresh start. Now, this may sound a bit odd (and hopefully nobody is offended) but in the spirit of sharing truthfully, I will share what I was thinking as my mind was wandering all over the place. First and foremost, I was thinking how happy I was to be walking with my Hubby who was feeling good and energetic. Then as my mind wandered, I was thinking about how in our religion, people will take a walk after sitting shiva (a certain period of time after a person's death when one is in mourning ) which basically indicates that they are reentering public life. I also thought about, how on Rosh Hashanah, we take a walk to a natural body of water and symbolically throw away our sins, giving one a new start. This walk became that significant moment to me, when we were getting our old normal back. It was becoming a way to let go of 2019 and look ahead to 2020, resuming our activities that we love doing together - like our walks.
It is funny how a small thing like taking a walk can have such a big emotional impact. In truth, I was having difficulty feeling any comfort level with the fact that he was feeling better. I was always watching him carefully, making sure he didn't do too much or that he wasn't pushing himself to quickly to heal. It was difficult to allow myself to be comfortable with his healing process, to trust the doctors and the process.
Until we took a walk.
Now I would guess that when my Hubby reads this (and he will, because when I write about him he always reads what I write before I publish it - seems only fair) he will think I have lost my darn mind. I am always overthinking and over worrying (which I admittedly was doing) and while he does his best to help me control it, it's who I am. So I would bet that he would never in a million years think our walk was anything but a walk.
For me, it was a beginning.
