Four days ago, our oldest gal turned 25 years old. That seems so crazy. I do not know where the time goes. Days go so fast now, weeks fly by, and the years are zooming.
This year I have had mixed feelings about her birthday. Here's the struggle that has been going on in my old brain.
My mom isn't here anymore to celebrate and she was her biggest fan who loved celebrating. RJC doesn't have a FB page or any social media page and she doesn't have a cell phone so nobody can call her or leave her fun memes or messages. I feel like she is cheated on her birthday. There is never a big fuss. No endless talk of presents (she really doesn't care a bit about presents) and though Grandma and Grandpa always call, that's pretty much the extent of it.
I tend to especially struggle with milestone birthdays that she has, mostly because no matter how incredible she is (and she is VERY incredible) or how hard she works to get through a day (and she works VERY hard) she will never be developmentally the same age as she is chronologically. She isn't driving, she has never been in love, never went to college, never held a full time job or a part-time job for that matter. She has never been to a party with a bunch of friends that she hangs out with all the time, never had a best friend, never joked around with friends and laughed until she cried.
Every time I think I'm ok, I see somebody her age doing something age appropriate and I feel a pang of loss - for her as well as for me and Hal. We aren't going to be throwing a graduation party, we aren't going to watch her find her place in the world in terms of becoming an independent adult, and we aren't going to look at her children and think how much they look like her when she was born.
BUT. There is another side to this.
Now that a few days have passed and THE DAY is over, I feel like I can breathe again. She doesn't have a concept of what a birthday actually is. As usual, we were at the Special Olympic State Games for her actual birthday and that is always just such fun. We celebrated with the team and they loved celebrating with her. She WAS with friends. Friends in her world. People who see her for who she is and give not one thought about her being "different." People who may get annoyed with the self talk and loud screaming, but don't stare or wonder what's going on. They just express annoyance and move on, knowing that she is who she is. As per family tradition, we went out for dinner and they sang their happy birthday song to her and brought her oreos and gummy bears. Made her day.
Once again, I learn from RJC. That just because her birthday experience is different, it is uniquely hers. She is content with the way we celebrate and she has no unfulfilled expectations. She does not get upset that somebody "forgot" her. She doesn't care about presents in the least. She is beyond thrilled when a card shows up for her because she thinks getting mail is one of the coolest things ever. As is often the case, RJC reminds us of what is important. That it does not matter what she can't do or can't have. What matters is that she is the authentic RJC. Autism does not define her. It just...supplements her.
So I'm over my latest struggle and while I am quite sure there are more on the horizon, I am back to getting through our day to day stuff. Her Medicaid renewal just came - that'll be fun, I'm sure. So did our Guardianship Renewal forms (those three years went pretty darn quickly). Right now I can hear her happily singing Barney songs in English then playing them in Spanish. She's happy. She's safe. She's loved.
Happy 25th RJC. Love you to pieces.
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