We are having bumpy times. Like all families, we have good days and not-so-good days when we handle the bumpy times better than others. The not-so-good days for us are magnified when they include unexplained, difficult behaviors from RJC.
Recently we had a few days in a row where we could see she was experiencing a great deal of anxiety and agitation. How do we know? It is days of constant and very loud yelling, scripting from Barney, and the constant need to repeat the day's (and future days') schedule. It may not sound like much, but the constancy and loud volume of these behaviors make me want to pull my hair out. Literally. Instead, I have a habit of gritting my teeth and biting the inside of my mouth - neither of which are pleasant.
I am aware from experience that these behaviors could be much worse. In the past, these types of days would have been met with kicked in walls and physical aggression toward me and toward herself. In that sense we have made great progress and I am forever thankful to those who have helped us get to where we are today. Admittedly, I still never know if she will be going through our wall - sometimes we get lucky and she will bang it but not go through it - but mostly that behavior seems to be more under control than it was in the past. Nevertheless, when I see our daughter is obviously struggling with something and we cannot figure out what the issue is or how to help her, it is painful and stressful. That stress makes me cranky and weepy and most definitely whiny and while I would prefer to stay in bed and not deal with it, that is not an option.
What I tend to forget, as I beat myself up for feeling miserable, is that while all families have this experience, most families have a limited time period of this type of behavior. In a healthy situation, children are taught to express their feelings appropriately thus handling their emotions appropriately. Most children will not still NEED to live at home at age 27 because they are unable to take care of themselves (though they may make that choice). Emotionally, our gal is still a toddler in many ways and that is simply how things will be. This does not mean we will ever give up trying to help her find ways to express herself in a more healthy manner. It is simply a fact that she has a developmental delay that is significant and she always will.
Me, on the other hand? I am an adult with coping skills. So while I am cranky, weepy, and whiny, I am also capable of controlling that behavior so the only one who has to deal with it is my husband. When in public I can have a perfectly polite social conversation. I am able to go to work. Thanks to technology, I can avoid spam phone calls or put off chatting for a day or two until I'm in a better mindset. I am able to watch goofy tv that requires no brainpower which is a great way to avoid the world for a bit. I am able to exercise at home and while I've never been a huge fan of the "E" word, I am finding ways to make it work for me and yes, I find it helps.
We also are blessed - truly - to have a support team for RJC who still take her out and about during these times which gives us a bit of a break. We have friends who invite us for dinner, aware that we could use a break. As a couple, we have become so much better at talking things through and allowing the other person to vent when necessary. We have also become somewhat skilled at tapping in and out (in a manner of speaking) allowing us to take turns with the brunt of her behavior.
This morning, within about an hour, we could see that whatever problem, anxiety, or major issue she was dealing with had somehow been worked out and she was back to being just our RJC. She was happy to zip out for bagels and go to the grocery store (where she happily rearranged shelves). She has happily been playing on her iPad and is looking forward to music at Friendship Circle.
It is a puzzle. How did she work it out? She has nobody to talk her issues through with and reassure her that "this too will pass." Whatever demons, fears, anxieties, stressors she has, she walks alone while working them out. It absolutely breaks my heart that I am not able to help her. I can only hope that I am able to hide my own stress in reaction to hers, well enough so that it does not become added stress for her.
Mostly, I can only hope she feels our love through her pain.
It is so good to wake up today and have our RJC back. Now we can get ourselves back as well.
