Recharging!
It is that time again! We signed RJC up for two weeks of camp. and unlike last year when Covid was still lurking and her first week of camp was cancelled, we are expecting that she have two weeks of camp. While she is at camp, we take that time to recharge our own batteries and remember that we are a separate entity from our daughter. Most of the times, our lives are so completely enmeshed in hers that we forget to consider our own needs and desires. Not to say we don't enjoy life - we certainly do find time to spend together. But it is also true that to find time together takes a huge amount of planning. While she is at camp, finding time together is more...organic. My husband has time off from work and we do not have to consider and make plans for adult care. Our time is completely our own to do what we want, when we want, how we want to do it. We also have our own space which takes getting used to but is admittedly quite pleasant. We turn off lights, it's quiet, we are spontaneous throughout the day. Camp is a great experience for our gal, but it is also time for us to be a bit...selfish. While that comes with a smidge of a guilty feeling for me at first, it usually morphs into relaxation. Summer camp is truly a benefit for our whole family in various ways. This year the start of camp time has been a little big of a different journey.
In the past years, simply talking about camp was not acceptable. It would create anxiety for RJC. We knew she loved camp once she was there - she always has had an excellent experience - but for whatever reason, the thought of camp was difficult. We could not tell her she was going to camp until one or two days before it was time to leave. I'm pretty sure she knew she was going because she knows the calendar well and we have been signing her up for the same two weeks for years. Still, ignoring it and not putting it on the calendar was working for her so that's what we did. Last year I went so far as to pack her stuff up at our very kind and tolerant neighbor's house. Literally her camp clothing was strewn over her living room floor, and I would go over to her house, sit on the floor, and write her name in all of her clothing while packing her suitcase.
This year it has been a very different experience. Over the last year, she has been going to camp for approximately one overnight a month. She would leave early Saturday morning and come home Sunday in the late afternoon. She really seemed to enjoy those weekends. It appears that she has become very comfortable in spending time at camp and this summer we decided to try telling her about summer camp ahead of time. When we told her she was going, she wanted to see it on the calendar - and that was that. We saw no signs of anxiety or panic. We would mention camp here and there, just to be sure she truly understood and to gauge her reaction, and it was always quite positive. The people who work with her and know that summer camp is not a subject we talk about, were so used to avoiding the subject that we had to tell them it was fine to mention it. When they did ask her about it, we were all pleasantly surprised that she continued to have no negative reactions.
I actually packed at home and had the suitcases out for a good week or so before she was going to be leaving. She was not in the least bit phased. It was so much easier for me to gather together her clothing, write her name in everything, and pack her up. Granted, gathering everything took a few weeks, and since she still tends to destroy clothing, I had to make quite a few trips to various stores, but the stress of having to gather everything AND hide everything was lessened by being able to talk about it and simply take care of the task.
All in all, because she was calmer, I was significantly calmer. In fact, I was quite pleased with myself as I went about the business of getting her ready without feeling anxious or any signs of impending panic. Every once in a while, I'd have a twinge of concern, but mostly I was moving right along, doing what needed to be done and not feeling physically ill or missing out on sleep (well, I do often still miss out on sleep but this time it was not due to worrying about camp).
Yesterday we dropped her off at camp and it went quite smoothly. It was a weird, on and off rainy day, though by the time we got to camp it was not raining anymore. It was probably also helpful that her sister came along, as they have their own special relationship. The intake process at camp is thorough and takes a bit of time, which I find comforting. I like knowing that there is a process in place that makes sure they have all of the information needed to best keep her happy, safe, and healthy - the three most important issues that we focus on a daily basis. She recognized some staff and a few campers which also helped make me feel more comfortable. When she met her bunk staff, she gave them a robust greeting and, as we would expect, immediately checked out the written daily schedule. As we continued through the intake process, we saw no signs of anxiety and when we gave her a hug goodbye (hugs really aren't her thing but she seems to know that it's my thing) it was a quick one and she was off to her bunk with her counselor without even a glance back.
We left camp and went out for a nice lunch. Came home and we were hit with the quiet. Our home, in general, is never quiet. Our gal likes to play on her iPad and we always hear her talking (or yelling). When we have the tv on, we have to keep the subtitles on in order to watch a program. So being home and not having that constant background noise is strange for us. Perhaps even a bit disquieting. We also were off of our own schedule as lunch was so late that we did not want dinner. We settled in to being alone and for dinner we chose to made individual cakes in the microwave. Who knew such a thing existed? So much fun! Talk about not keeping to a schedule. In general, my husband is a healthy eater who believes in three square meals a day (I, on the other hand, would never choose to eat three healthy meals and the idea of cake for dinner would work for me just about every day). For us, this was equivalent to living on the edge. The evening wore on and we were simply enjoying our time together.
At some point, fatigue took over and my husband went to sleep but I was wired so I stayed up for a while. Eventually I made my way to sleep as well. I suppose I should not have been surprised, when at 4:30 am I woke up in a bit of a panic. It was inevitable. First, I am used to being up that early. Sleep does not come easy for me. Second, my nature is to worry, and anxiety is one of those things I struggle with on a daily basis (though meditation has been a huge help in this area). In any case, I tried to fall back to sleep but that was not happening. I snuggled in with my husband and often his heartbeat lulls me back to sleep, but my body and brain were just not having it, so here I am, awake and writing this post.
It may have been the rain that had started up again at night, or perhaps just the buildup of my run-away thoughts: is it raining at camp and will she remember to put on her boots and not her sneakers, if she is having trouble falling asleep will the counselors know what to do, does she have her stuffed animals with her (I couldn't remember seeing them when we got to her bunk), will she eat dinner and if she doesn't like what they are having will the counselors remember that we dropped off food for her, and the list in my head of things to worry about just went on and on.
I have found that writing things out is helpful to me in terms of organizing my thoughts - which is actually how I started blogging. So, as I sit here this morning and it is quiet, and my husband is still sleeping, I am feeling less like hopping in my car and zipping off to camp to check on her, and more like everything is fine because I have not received a phone call to suggest otherwise. My brain is settling and my stomach is feeling better. Yes, I may call camp at a decent hour to see how things are going. I may even take a bit of a nap this morning before we start our first official day of our own vacation.
I am sure I'll work through this, and I am looking forward to hearing about what RJC is doing at camp. It's always fun to go through her art projects when she gets home, and she also brings home a little book with pictures of her time at camp. Between the pictures and asking a few questions, we can usually get some idea of what she liked to do.
While I am frustrated by this bout of anxiety, I have learned that it is best to roll with it. History has taught me that this will pass and that I will settle into this time and will cherish and enjoy every moment, knowing that RJC is having fun and exerting a bit of independence. Exactly the goal of these two weeks.
Camp weeks are here. Time for ALL of us to recharge, lean into new experiences and make some new, wonderful memories.
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UPDATE: I called camp and spoke with an Admin. They did take her through her individualized evening plan. While the other campers were getting ready for bed, she helped set up for breakfast and they walk around camp if needed, to tire her out. This way she sleeps better (and obviously, so do her fellow bunkmates). The admin also reassured me that she saw her this morning and she was happy and relaxed.
I apologized for calling, telling her that I should have trusted the system. She immediately replied that it is never a problem to give a call and that they are fine getting "reminders."
Cannot tell you how much better I feel, and now we are ready to get moving and have some fun!
