The "What If" Rabbit Hole

6:15 AM or so:

RJC loves to help around the house. This morning she was emptying the dishwasher while I was in the next room. She came to me holding two pieces of a broken glass and said “Oops. Sorry Mommy.”

Luckily it seemed to be a clean break into two large pieces. I gently took it from her and explained that I needed to vacuum the kitchen and that we both needed to put on shoes.

She was not happy. She wanted to finish unloading the dishwasher. She could not grasp the danger of a possible piece of glass on the floor. She had a mission and she was not at all pleased that her mission was now being delayed.

I was patient and continued to gently lead her out of the kitchen, telling her to put on her shoes. At this point, trying to make her understand the danger issue was second to getting her out of a dangerous situation. Yelling all the way, she did as I asked while I took advantage of the time she was out of the kitchen and started to vacuum. Having been distracted by the shoes, she let me finish vacuuming then went back to her task of unloading the dishwasher.

It is sometimes a jarring reality for me to face the reality that at 30 years old she is toddler-like in her lack of abstract concepts (such as danger). Of course this sets me up for a swirl of concerning “what if” thoughts.

“WHAT IF she hadn’t told me she broke a glass.”

“WHAT IF I wasn’t here and she was with somebody else. Would she have shown them the broken glass?”

“What if something else happens today that puts her at risk?”

Etc etc and so forth (as the King of Siam would say).

So yes, my initial reaction was to go consider all the awful possibilities but I had meditated this morning and read a bit of Psalms so instead of going too far down the “What if” rabbit hole I decided to go someplace else:

All is well at this moment.

She did the best she could.

I did the best I could.

And now we can both move on with our day.

May we all be safe and avoid the “What if” rabbit hole.

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Turning 30: Sometimes Ya Just Need a Party!

It has been a very busy time here as RJC just turned 30 years old. 

I truly cannot believe that time has gone by so quickly. This was an emotional event for me. Somehow, as long as she was still in her 20s it felt like we still had plenty of time to teach her things that would increase her independence and things she would need to know when we were not around to support her anymore. Somehow as the number 30 was getting closer, I was feeling more and more anxious as it seemed like she was about to step firmly into the category of "adulthood" and that my husband and I were clearly getting older as well - as proven by the additional medical tests and vaccinations ordered by the doctor ;) 

So, I had this idea that we needed a party to mark the occasion and flip my thinking to put a positive and joyful spin on this birthday. Initially, the thought of a party created even more anxiety. We usually celebrate with just our small, immediate family. We needed to think about it. Who were her friends? Would we be able to supervise a group when we had our hands full supervising RJC? What would she and her friends actually do at a party? We wanted it to be outdoors, so what would we do if it rains? On top of that, party planning is so far out of my wheelhouse that I knew it would create added anxiety instead of letting the joy in.

Talking it out, I realized that the majority of her time that she has spent with peers in these last two years has been with Friendship Circle - a Jewish organization that supports children and adults with special needs. They have been our lifeline. I gave them a call and explained what we were thinking and after checking to see if some staff could help us out both with being a planning resource and to help at the actual party, we had the green light and we were planning a party. I also checked to see when her Jewish birthday was this year (the Jewish calendar is different from the secular one) and we decided to plan her party on her Jewish birthday. Between a few conversations and many texts...a party was planned. 

We invited those who she had been seeing at events these last few years as she knew them well. We wanted them to feel comfortable and bring family members and/or others with them so they would have support if needed. Also, their parents are others who were part of their support network were our friends as we share our journeys with one another. We decided to have it in a space that all of the participants were familiar and comfortable with, and it could be moved indoors if necessary. I appreciated the support and guidance around how to do evites (I felt very techie), supplies needed, etc. We decided to keep the party to one hour so as not to overload our gal. My many questions were answered with patience and encouragement. Or course, RJC's sister was coming, and she was happy to help on the day of the party. It was all coming together.

The day of the party arrived and by then I had gotten past anxious and truly looking forward to it. We had hired her music therapist for a musical component (by far she is one of RJC's favorite people and music is a great love of hers), a face painting artist (or hand painting or whatever worked for the individual), had some sidewalk chalk available if anyone was so moved, as well as a big card that everyone could sign so she would have a keepsake. Being that this was her Jewish birthday we kept the tradition of giving tzedakah (charity) and supplied people with quarters for them to put in the tzedakah box. This was familiar to all of the participants since they had done this many times at Friendship Circle events. For me that was a highlight - to watch her walk around with her sister and offer people this opportunity to give tzedakah. It was suggested that we have somebody take pictures so that we could just enjoy the party and that was one of THE BEST ideas ever.  We asked a teen volunteer who was interested in photography to be our photographer and she did an amazing job. We had cake and plenty of water since we were outdoors and BOOM! A party was had! 

On the way home I cried a few happy tears. It was worth the effort to have found a way toward celebration and happiness as our gal was hitting her milestone birthday. Chatting with parents and other adults who were there for RJC was great fun, but by far, the best part of the party was watching RJC having a wonderful time in her "Happy Birthday To Me" shirt and her face painted like a cat. 

Practically speaking, we are planning to meet again with our lawyer who specializes in Special Needs Estate Planning again, to update a few things and try to better understand how to best be sure that RJC will be taken care of in the future. Emotionally speaking, I have mostly settled into the idea that times moves forward no matter how I feel about it, so I should jump on the opportunity to celebrate and be joyful. 

Sometimes ya just need a party!