I am not good at balance. I don't mean the "stay on my feet" type of balance (though I've been known to have some issues with that as well, from time to time). I mean the life balance issues.
My husband is excellent at compartmentalizing. He is at work, he focuses on work. He is at home, he is focused on us. He's at synagogue, he pays attention to the service. He's with friends, he enjoys their company and is involved in conversation. You get the idea. This way, he keeps his life balanced. Things get attention when he is ready to give them attention. He says it is because he can only do one thing at a time. I think it is a smart way to live.
I am completely the opposite of my husband. Wherever I am, I am thinking about a zillion different things. I will catch myself drifting to a different life area and will pull myself back and focus on what I'm supposed to. Inevitably, something else causes me to drift off into another life area. It is exhausting. I can be at a party with lovely people, enjoying their conversation and find myself thinking about what I'll do when I get home. That thought leads to what phone calls I need to make, what groceries I need to buy, what forms I need to fill out, what bills are due, and inevitably, all the RJC concerns. All of these thoughts are pretty quick - almost like photos flashing - and at the same time I am still paying attention to the conversation. It is like I have all parts of my brain shooting at once but I am aware of it all.
Needless to say, my brain is often tired and I often feel overwhelmed. It's how I felt when she was 3 1/2 years old and I was told that any language she has at age 5 is the only language she will have. I felt frantic to find a way to teach her to communicate. Of course, I now know that thought this was the working theory of that time, in reality, all these years later, she is still learning and gaining vocabulary/communication skills. When I remember this major dawning, I can settle back into a less frantic mode and find some balance.
Honestly, I was not always like this. Pre-autism days, I was pretty even keeled. I could focus on the present. I never had attention issues. What I have found is that as I am getting older, the autism issues become bigger, more immediate. I literally hear the clock ticking and I feel like I need to fix everything for RJC NOW, plan everything NOW. It is a feeling, (a realization?) that I need to know her future is secure.
Today, however, I had a day of balance. It was wonderful.
My hubby was at work so it was just me and RJC. We met a friend for breakfast and it had been many years since we had seen each other. We had a great time, then went to her house, took a short walk with her dog, and sat outside and chatted with her and her folks. It was lovely. I never once gave a thought to anything other than what we were discussing.
We came home and my husband arrived shortly after us. We snuggled in and watched some baseball (as a side note, we root for different teams and he was happier than me with the outcome) while RJC played on her iPad. We chatted about possible plans for the Fourth of July and things we had to do this week.
Next, our younger daughter came over to take RJC to dinner so hubby and I could have some time together. We went to dinner ourselves, then took a wonderful stroll after dinner. We talked about our future - some about RJC but also about our personal dreams and goals and the many things we wanted to do together. It was so much fun to plan for summer outings we could enjoy together. On the way home, we rolled down the windows and blasted the radio (Carly Simon needs to be blasted) and I sang away with no regard for how bad it sounded - I just lived the moment.
We came home and chatted with our daughter about how her time with RJC went, as well how her new job was, what she was up to etc. We then fell seamlessly into our evening routine of a shower and iPad for RJC, who then folded towels for me while I took care of other laundry issues. Hubby had a few things to do and our day finally settled into where we are now. RJC on her iPad, me blogging, and hubby catching up on one of his shows.
Even as I'm writing, I feel relaxed and happy. To be sure, having a few hours of just us as a couple always has a calming effect on me. It is reminder that I am not only an "autism mom." I am a wife and a woman in my own right, with my own identity and life goals.
Today was a day of balance!
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Sunday, June 16, 2019
A Father's Day Post
It is not easy being a parent.
Let me start out by giving a shout out on this day devoted to dads. To all those dads who are there for their kids and who are actively involved within their family, you are appreciated, you are needed, and you are loved. I look back on the days that our girls were young and remember my husband playing "Pretty, Pretty Princess," endless playground visits, reading to our younger one and falling asleep on her floor, walking endlessly while carrying our older one while she screamed, and driving 26 hours to Walt Disney World with two other young ladies who were coming along to help us out because flying was not an option back then. I remember potty training (ug), going to school meetings (ug), and many many many trips to various doctors and specialists (ug). Through it all, he was the calm and rational one. As an Engineer, he looked at everything through that lens. What makes sense, what were the options and what was worth the risk. I cannot express how thankful I am that we were on this parenting journey together.
At this point, my husband is now a dad to two young women, RJC (27) and NMC (24). He is a full fledged "autism dad." He embraces the role of dad to both girls and over the years he has figured out how to move from one parenting style to another, depending on the child. Some will say that every parent does this. No two children are alike so parents have to parent each child differently. Fair statement.
The difference for an autism dad, however, is that as typical children grow up, it is natural that they grow through specific stages and parents grow with them. The relationship changes from parent-child to more equal footing. At some point, let's say between 18-25 when the brain has completely developed, a parent can usually take on a more supportive role rather than a directive, hands-on role. The child becomes an adult, they start to make their own life decisions, they are able to take on their own financial responsibility and the parents learn to navigate the world as parents of an independent adult. The parent may now choose to retire, they may become grandparents, travel, find a new hobby etc.
My husband will not be that dad to both gals. We are getting there with NMC. His general role with her now is to offer advice when asked with things like taxes or jobs. They have conversations about life that hopefully helps her stay the course and lets her know that while she is making her way in the world she always has dad to help her out.
Parenting RJC is a completely different way of parenting.
Let's compare parenting NMC vs. RJC. today - Father's Day.
NMC's day (age 24): She lives in an apartment in another town. Texts to say she is running late but will meet us at grandma and grandpa's. Shows up to grandma and grandpa's - eats lunch, chats with everyone about general life issues, tells some jokes, says she needs to get home, and she's off and running. We do not know the specifics of the rest of her day as she is completely in control of her own time and schedule.
RJC's day (age 27): She lives with us. Wakes up and comes to the living room in her jammies to play on the iPad. We tell her it's time to eat breakfast and get dressed. We tell her it's time to go grocery shopping and off we go. We come home and she puts away the groceries. We tell her it's time to go to grandma and grandpa's house. She packs her own food since she does not like what we will be having, gets in the back seat of the car and puts on her DVD player. We go to grandma and grandpa's and she wants to eat though the rest of us aren't ready so she sits at the table and eats while the rest of us are chatting. She isn't able to completely take part in the conversation but when she hears a word she knows she may comment (thought the comment is only generally related to our conversation we always stop and comment back). We eat, she plops down on the couch and hangs out. Occasionally she will call out a question to one of us or wants to engage in some scripting and we respond while continuing the conversation that we are already in. We tell her it's time to head out. We come home and she is happily back in her spot with her iPod. A little later we tell her it's time for dinner, time to get a shower, time to put on jammies, time to brush her teeth and hair, time to go to bed. Of course, there will also be various moments of general conversation or scripting. We may also decide to take a ride for ice cream and she will come along - she cannot be left alone. Ever.
During the week, as an autism dad, he is responsible for picking her up from her Day Program, taking her on various errands (he or she may need a haircut, he may have a chiropractic visit so he takes her along, or they may stop at the grocery store, the bank, etc). It may be an evening where he is coaching her Special Olympics team or he may need to help with some paperwork. If I have a meeting, he is on home duty. If he has a meeting or wants to do something socially, he needs to be sure to let me know ahead of time so that I am on home duty. If he wants to plan a date night for us, it needs to be planned ahead so that somebody is home with RJC.
Being an autism dad also means:
Happy Father's Day to my favorite (and yes, only) husband.
Let me start out by giving a shout out on this day devoted to dads. To all those dads who are there for their kids and who are actively involved within their family, you are appreciated, you are needed, and you are loved. I look back on the days that our girls were young and remember my husband playing "Pretty, Pretty Princess," endless playground visits, reading to our younger one and falling asleep on her floor, walking endlessly while carrying our older one while she screamed, and driving 26 hours to Walt Disney World with two other young ladies who were coming along to help us out because flying was not an option back then. I remember potty training (ug), going to school meetings (ug), and many many many trips to various doctors and specialists (ug). Through it all, he was the calm and rational one. As an Engineer, he looked at everything through that lens. What makes sense, what were the options and what was worth the risk. I cannot express how thankful I am that we were on this parenting journey together.
At this point, my husband is now a dad to two young women, RJC (27) and NMC (24). He is a full fledged "autism dad." He embraces the role of dad to both girls and over the years he has figured out how to move from one parenting style to another, depending on the child. Some will say that every parent does this. No two children are alike so parents have to parent each child differently. Fair statement.
The difference for an autism dad, however, is that as typical children grow up, it is natural that they grow through specific stages and parents grow with them. The relationship changes from parent-child to more equal footing. At some point, let's say between 18-25 when the brain has completely developed, a parent can usually take on a more supportive role rather than a directive, hands-on role. The child becomes an adult, they start to make their own life decisions, they are able to take on their own financial responsibility and the parents learn to navigate the world as parents of an independent adult. The parent may now choose to retire, they may become grandparents, travel, find a new hobby etc.
My husband will not be that dad to both gals. We are getting there with NMC. His general role with her now is to offer advice when asked with things like taxes or jobs. They have conversations about life that hopefully helps her stay the course and lets her know that while she is making her way in the world she always has dad to help her out.
Parenting RJC is a completely different way of parenting.
Let's compare parenting NMC vs. RJC. today - Father's Day.
NMC's day (age 24): She lives in an apartment in another town. Texts to say she is running late but will meet us at grandma and grandpa's. Shows up to grandma and grandpa's - eats lunch, chats with everyone about general life issues, tells some jokes, says she needs to get home, and she's off and running. We do not know the specifics of the rest of her day as she is completely in control of her own time and schedule.
RJC's day (age 27): She lives with us. Wakes up and comes to the living room in her jammies to play on the iPad. We tell her it's time to eat breakfast and get dressed. We tell her it's time to go grocery shopping and off we go. We come home and she puts away the groceries. We tell her it's time to go to grandma and grandpa's house. She packs her own food since she does not like what we will be having, gets in the back seat of the car and puts on her DVD player. We go to grandma and grandpa's and she wants to eat though the rest of us aren't ready so she sits at the table and eats while the rest of us are chatting. She isn't able to completely take part in the conversation but when she hears a word she knows she may comment (thought the comment is only generally related to our conversation we always stop and comment back). We eat, she plops down on the couch and hangs out. Occasionally she will call out a question to one of us or wants to engage in some scripting and we respond while continuing the conversation that we are already in. We tell her it's time to head out. We come home and she is happily back in her spot with her iPod. A little later we tell her it's time for dinner, time to get a shower, time to put on jammies, time to brush her teeth and hair, time to go to bed. Of course, there will also be various moments of general conversation or scripting. We may also decide to take a ride for ice cream and she will come along - she cannot be left alone. Ever.
During the week, as an autism dad, he is responsible for picking her up from her Day Program, taking her on various errands (he or she may need a haircut, he may have a chiropractic visit so he takes her along, or they may stop at the grocery store, the bank, etc). It may be an evening where he is coaching her Special Olympics team or he may need to help with some paperwork. If I have a meeting, he is on home duty. If he has a meeting or wants to do something socially, he needs to be sure to let me know ahead of time so that I am on home duty. If he wants to plan a date night for us, it needs to be planned ahead so that somebody is home with RJC.
Being an autism dad also means:
- that when she is having a difficult time he knows what to do that may keep her behavior from escalating. He also knows there may be nothing he can do to keep her behavior from escalating and that it does not mean he is a "bad" parent,
- that he needs to set aside his own needs because it is more important for her to be happy than for him to be happy. For example, he can certainly watch that movie he wants to see, but if he wants to be sure to hear it over the scripting it needs to be watched (and read) with captions,
- that he may not be able to retire early because he is financially responsible for her and having medical and dental insurance that allows us to keep her current doctors is important,
- that when she wants to go to X,Y or Z place, he will need to take her because she does not have friends she can call on the phone and say "hey, let's go!"
- that if he is tired from a long day he can go to sleep - as long as there is another adult in the house who is awake.
Happy Father's Day to my favorite (and yes, only) husband.
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