Breakdown of a Tantrum

Today's tantrum was brought on by...the iPad.


When we are in the house, this is her primary way of amusing herself. She sits in the living room with us, puts on her headphones (usually) and happily watches Barney on YouTube or adds events to her calendar that she is planning for us to do. For the most part it is a smooth process. Until the iPad stops charging.


We tried a few things at home but couldn't get it to charge in the specific area where she likes it to charge. We had taken to getting her in the car in the morning and I would secretly plug it in where I knew it would charge and she'd be happy to retrieve it in the afternoon and play with it until it died which was usually just before bedtime. She'd go to bed, I'd secretly plug it in again and in the morning she would once again happily retrieve it. Picture the cycle.


Today, the cycle was broken. As it was a day she was home longer than usual, it died early in the day. There was no way she would allow it to charge other than in her specific place. So the hubby gets an extension cord and it works quite nicely in her special place. BUT the extension cord doesn't belong there and she refuses to allow it. Let the screaming begin.


She sits next to me, screaming and flapping her hands, considering pinching me (she would just start to squeeze then stop) and jumping up and down then sitting down again. Her face and arms look like she has a sunburn. Trying to talk with her just makes things worse so it's a very helpless feeling. It's hot in the house so I decide I'll try to get her outside where at least there is cool air and maybe the screaming won't sound so loud. She wants to be with me so she follows me outside and we start to swing together on our wooden swing.  She's still screaming but the neighbors are having a party so their music really stops it from traveling and I'm happy to have something else to listen to. I hold her hand and her yells are becoming more intermittent.


I text hubby about dinner and she is calming down. She wants to look at the pictures and videos on my iPhone and I consider the possibility that my phone will go flying. Well, I bought the fancy protection cover and paid for insurance so I decide it's a risk worth taking. She finds a video  of herself laughing and now, as she is watching, she's smiling. I can hear her breathing is going back to normal and we may have turned a corner. While we are outside, my hubby plugs in the iPad to the extension cord and we are hoping she will be outside long enough for it to charge.


We are outside for a while and now she's starting to feel bad. When that happens, it's almost as heartbreaking as the tantrum itself. She really knows she shouldn't be screaming like that, or hurting herself, and feels especially bad that she may have hurt me (which she actually didn't this time).  I start to hear things like:


"I'm sorry mommy."
"It's not ok to yell and hit and jump."
"We were having fun until the screaming and yelling."
"Are you hurting ears mommy?"


I reassure her that I'm fine and it's time to go inside for dinner. Even then she wants me near her and continues to apologize in her own way. She looks intently at me. While I know that those diagnosed with autism often do not "read facial expressions" I believe that she knows me well enough to see anger in my face and it is important that I maintain a neutral affect. I speak quietly, continuing to respond to her scripting and she is starting to relax. She eats and is finished before me so she stands next to me while I eat. It's disconcerting but again, I know that she needs to be nearby and keep watch to be sure we are ok together.


I clean up from dinner and she spots the iPad where hubby had plugged it in earlier. She walks over, sees it's working and lo and behold she is perfectly fine with leaving it plugged in to the extension cord that just an hour or so ago was the cause of such angst.


I'm not going to pretend that all is well at my end. While she is fine now, my stomach is churning and I'm frustrated. Why couldn't we have found a way for her to understand that we needed to do this to fix the problem  and to be comfortable with a miniscule change such as plugging her iPad into an extension cord. This is where I start to doubt myself. Did I use wrong words? Was I not sensitive enough to how she feels about change of any kind? What could I have done differently?


There are really no answers to those questions which is even more frustrating because it means that as sure as sure as can be...this will happen again. It may not be over the iPad but it will be over something that makes me shake my head and have conflicting feelings of annoyance with her, frustration with the situation, anger at myself...


and finally the acceptance that this is just autism. 


It's not her fault. It's not my fault or my hubby's fault.
It just is.
Which is why we need research and more research.


And in the meantime, we will just keep on keepin' on and do our best in love.