A Day of Balance

I am not good at balance.  I don't mean the "stay on my feet" type of balance (though I've been known to have some issues with that as well, from time to time). I mean the life balance issues.


My husband is excellent at compartmentalizing. He is at work, he focuses on work. He is at home, he is focused on us. He's at synagogue, he pays attention to the service. He's with friends, he enjoys their company and is involved in conversation. You get the idea. This way, he keeps his life balanced. Things get attention when he is ready to give them attention. He says it is because he can only do one thing at a time. I think it is a smart way to live.


I am completely the opposite of my husband. Wherever I am, I am thinking about a zillion different things. I will catch myself drifting to a different life area and will pull myself back and focus on what I'm supposed to. Inevitably, something else causes me to drift off into another life area. It is exhausting. I can be at a party with lovely people, enjoying their conversation and find myself thinking about what I'll do when I get home. That thought leads to what phone calls I need to make, what groceries I need to buy, what forms I need to fill out, what bills are due, and inevitably, all the RJC concerns.  All of these thoughts are pretty quick - almost like photos flashing - and at the same time I am still paying attention to the conversation. It is like I have all parts of my brain shooting at once but I am aware of it all.


Needless to say, my brain is often tired and I often feel overwhelmed. It's how I felt when she was 3 1/2 years old and I was told that any language she has at age 5 is the only language she will have. I felt frantic to find a way to teach her to communicate. Of course, I now know that thought this was the working theory of that time, in reality, all these years later, she is still learning and gaining vocabulary/communication skills. When I remember this major dawning, I can settle back into a less frantic mode and find some balance.

Honestly, I was not always like this. Pre-autism days, I was pretty even keeled. I could focus on the present. I never had attention issues. What I have found is that as I am getting older, the autism issues become bigger, more immediate. I literally hear the clock ticking and I feel like I need to fix everything for RJC NOW, plan everything NOW. It is a feeling, (a realization?) that I need to know her future is secure.


Today, however, I had a day of balance. It was wonderful.


My hubby was at work so it was just me and RJC.  We met a friend for breakfast and it had been many years since we had seen each other. We had a great time, then went to her house, took a short walk with her dog, and sat outside and chatted with her and her folks. It was lovely. I never once gave a thought to anything other than what we were discussing.


We came home and my husband arrived shortly after us. We snuggled in and watched some baseball (as a side note, we root for different teams and he was happier than me with the outcome) while RJC played on her iPad. We chatted about possible plans for the Fourth of July and things we had to do this week.


Next, our younger daughter came over to take RJC to dinner so hubby and I could have some time together. We went to dinner ourselves, then took a wonderful stroll after dinner. We talked about our future - some about RJC but also about our personal dreams and goals and the many things we wanted to do together. It was so much fun to plan for summer outings we could enjoy together. On the way home, we rolled down the windows and blasted the radio (Carly Simon needs to be blasted) and I sang away with no regard for how bad it sounded - I just lived the moment.


We came home and chatted with our daughter about how her time with RJC went, as well how her new job was, what she was up to etc.  We then fell seamlessly into our evening routine of a shower and iPad for RJC, who then folded towels for me while I took care of other laundry issues. Hubby had a few things to do and our day finally settled into where we are now. RJC on her iPad, me blogging, and hubby catching up on one of his shows.


Even as I'm writing, I feel relaxed and happy. To be sure, having a few hours of just us as a couple always has a calming effect on me.  It is reminder that I am not only an "autism mom." I am a wife and a woman in my own right, with my own identity and life goals.


Today was a day of balance!