When Something Just Has to Be Done

Today was THE day. I was running out of time. 


Something just had to be done.


I was dreading it and had managed to avoid it but here we were.


We are having more work done in the house and the next step is taking out the carpeting in the bedrooms and replacing it with wood floors. As an aside, we are hoping this will be helpful for RJC's allergy issue. In any case, we are slowly getting the rooms ready for the work to be done and I knew her closet needed to be cleaned out. Her closet filled with stuffed animals and assorted clothing.  By "filled" I mean that the closet door is difficult to open and there is nothing in there that could easily be found. The floor was piles of stuffed animals and clothing, the clothing that actually was hanging up was a mix of very old and incredibly old, with a few items that she actually still wears. I try to be sensitive to her private space and since the closet is always closed it was easy to ignore. Until today - because time was running out. Tick tock, tick tock...


The problem here is that it is difficult to convey in language she would understand, exactly what we would be doing. I couldn't simply say "Let's clean your closet. You can donate what you don't want and keep what you do want" because that was too many words and "donate" is not a word she understands. I needed a visual and needed to find words she would understand. I decided on a garbage bag and the words "keep" and "throw away."


Me (garbage bag in hand):  "RJC, let's look in the closet. Tell me what we can throw out." (I hold up an item).  "Keep or throw away?"


She looks at me. Doesn't respond. Then..."NOOOO!" and grabs it from then throws it back in the closet. She looks at me with wild panic in her eyes and I feel like the worse mom on the planet.


I realize that any item I ask about, she will throw back in the closet because in her mind that's where it belongs. 


Not much to do but try again. Often, once I say something a few times I can literally see her process and eventually she will catch the gist of what I'm saying. I decide I will try to change the words to "bag" and "closet" because those are both concrete.


I go back in and pull out another item and hold it up. "RJC, bag or closet?" She looks at me. Doesn't respond. Then says "closet" and throws it back in. She stares at me, practically daring me to pick up another item.  Still, this is progress. There was no yelling.


Now my plan is to model the behavior I'm looking for along with the words that I know she will understand.


I grab an item that I know she will not want - a really old shirt that no longer fits. "Look. Let's throw this out" and I put it in the garbage bag. Then before she can say anything I grab one of her stuffed animals that I know she still puts on her bed sometimes and I say "This we keep" and I put it on her bed.


She looks at me. Doesn't respond. Doesn't yell. It's disconcerting but I see an opening.


I quickly grab another old piece of clothing and say "Let's throw this out" and I put it in the garbage bag with the other item. Then I grab another favorite stuffed animal and say "Keep" and put it on the bed.


She looks at me. Doesn't respond. Doesn't yell.


I immediately grab another clothing item and say "Throw or keep?" I hold my breath as she is quiet then she takes it from me and puts it in the bag. I quickly grab another clothing item that I think she may want to wear again. "Throw or keep?" She takes it from me and puts it on the bed.


She understands.


We work for a while and slowly I realize that I'm not needed. She has moved me out of the way and is working through the items in her closet without me.

She does an amazing job sorting what she wants and what she is willing to toss. To my surprise there are some clothing items she is keeping. She throws away a small drum which is another surprise, but keeps the larger one. She clearly understands what she is doing. In the end, she has filled the garbage bags, takes them out of her room and plops in the dining room.





She returns to her room then I watch to see what she will do. She takes everything off of her bed that she has decided to keep, and begins to put it all back in her closet. Neatly. I quietly leave her to her task.

When she is finished she comes over to me and says, "There. All done. Good job!" I had to laugh and of course I reply, "Yes! Very good job!"

Tonight she was playing on her iPad and suddenly looks up and says, "Thank you for cleaning, mommy."  I reply, "You did a great job, RJC. Thank you for cleaning."

Indeed.

Because something just had to be done.

And it was.