The Capacity to Learn

In the mornings before work, I often try to take care of some of the standard household chores. Sometimes unloading the dishwasher, sometimes laundry, sometimes a general sweep of the kitchen. I'm tired when I come home from work so having some small sense of order at the start of the day makes me feel accomplished. It is a wonderful feeling. 


This week I was feeling particularly anxious about getting things done and there were two loads of laundry that needed to be folded and put away. RJC always takes care of the towels which is a big help. I happened to notice that a good deal of the laundry was clothing of hers. When she was still in school they had worked on folding laundry and at various times I had her help. Over time, though, I had simply started to fold and put away her clothing along with ours.  Since I was in a bit of a hurry and really wanted to get it all done I called her over, handed her clothes and said "Here you go. Can you fold and put away?" She took the clothing without hesitation, went to her room and folded and put away all of her clothes. I was honestly completed shocked. First I figured she'd say (or yell) "No!" Once she took them from me, I assumed she'd just cram them into her drawer. Instead, she was compliant and content to help and folded everything with more care than I would have!


It started me thinking over the course of that day, that a big error I was making as her mom is that instead of thinking about her capacity to learn, I sometimes inadvertently create in her a sense of incapability.  The result is that RJC is deprived of being a helpful family member and an independent young woman who feels the thrill of successfully accomplishing a task. It also potentially creates a young woman who comes across as entitled and assumes that others will be at her beck and call and will take care of her every need.


This is not at all the type of person I believe my gal actually is - and if she does behave this way at times it is because I have not allowed her to grow to her potential. That's on me. Not on her.


Believe me, this is not at all my intention when I do tasks that she is capable of doing for herself. Usually my thought process is:

• I'm in a rush, let me just get this done myself.
• She's tired/grumpy/busy with her iPad so I'll just take care of this.
• I know she can only fold the shirts so I may as well do them while I do the rest of the clothing (note: turns out she can do all of the clothing)
• I don't have the patience to be sure she does it right/make sure she puts everything in the right place/argue with her to get it done.

I can justify my thought process because, well, it's just easier at that moment in time. Honestly, sometimes doing things myself really is so much easier than remembering that she has an amazing capacity to learn and taking the time to be sure I am feeding that capacity to its maximum!


Part of the struggle of having an adult child who needs constant supervision and still loves all things preschoolers love, is that it is easy to continue to actually view her as a child/toddler. It is so very easy to forget that she is also an adult who has indeed gained skills over the years and can continue to gain skills. It is also:

• Easier to avoid conflict, especially if it's a task that will take some insistence on in order for it to get done (experience a full blown tantrum that includes huge holes in the wall and it can be easy to convince one's self of the justification for this one).
• Hard to find the time to teach skills.
• Difficult to know how to teach skills.
• Hard to restrain one's self from "saving" the her when she is having difficulty.

The last one is, by far, hardest for me personally. I hate seeing her struggle. I feel guilty that it may take her twenty minutes to do what I could do in ten minutes. When she says "Help please" my inclination is to leap in and complete the task - when all she may need is a prompt or encouragement to continue.

So on this morning when I was simply desperate for whatever small amount of help she may be able to give, I was completely floored by her willingness to help as well as her ability to complete the task. Yes, then in typical mom fashion I ran to grab my phone and record the moment. I also felt horribly guilty that I had not continued to reinforce this behavior and that I had assumed what she could not do, rather than what she was able to do.


The very thing that makes me crazy is when I see others underestimate her abilities.  Yet I was doing it as well.


This was a lesson for me in dignity as well as in the importance of independence. She was so pleased with herself when she was finished that she came in to the bedroom where I was folding the rest of the clothing and said "All done. Good job RJC." Heck yah! It was a good job and she recognized it as such.


We have a Board Certified Behavior Analyst who is always encouraging us to try to teach new tasks to our gal. This month we have a goal to start to teach her to put food safely into the oven and take it safely out of the oven. We thought it would be appropriate since she loves to bake cookies and she has pretty much mastered the actual process of mixing the dough and dropping the cookies on the tray independently so this would be the last step in her being able to bake cookies independently. I admit, I balked. If you know me, you know I am a professional worrier and the thought that she could burn herself...I was not completely on board though I agreed we should try. You know what? I think she can do this. We will carefully think out the process and write the steps out for her. We will model the behavior, we will supervise very closely, we will prompt, and we will encourage and I believe that she will indeed be able to master this new task.


She will be proudly independent, she will be confident, and she will be successful.  Exactly what we want for our RJC.


Actually it is exactly what we want for our both of our daughters.  It is what they deserve and what we, as their parents, should feel obligated to give to them. Both of them.