Next Sunday, RJC is off to camp for two weeks. She does not know yet. We will probably tell her on Friday so she has less time to anticipate and build up anxiety. Every year I panic, yet every year I enjoy the two weeks, and every year I think it will be easier the next year. This is her sixth year and so far, it is not any easier. I am already worrying, it is already affecting my ability to fall asleep, and I am already thinking that this is one major part that really stinks about her diagnosis. Stepping back from her day to day care is difficult. Even for only two weeks. It takes trust in the people we leave her with and trust in ourselves that we are doing the right thing.
This year, once we turned the calendar to 2018, she refused to say or hear the word "July." She knows she goes to camp sometime in July so I imagine her thinking is that if she pretends it does not exist then camp will not exist. It was a bit humorous at first. She loves to plan and has a calendar filled with all sorts of plans through 2022. Except July. July is blank. At one point she needed to say something about July and instead just said "J." It made me start to rethink whether or not we should insist she goes for the two weeks. Both my husband and younger daughter were reassuring and reminded me that this was not about her not being miserable and unhappy. It is about change and her not wanting to leave the familiarity of home. Or me.
I have found that once we are both settled in and I've received the first nice call or email from the camp, I relax a bit. I've grown to love the time with my husband. So much so that after last year I asked if we could do a month this year. Granted, that thought didn't last - that's just too much for all of us - but the point is that it was a great two weeks for myself and my husband to slow down and just be together. These two weeks for us as a couple, is about reconnecting. We talk about what we hope our retirement years will look like. We are able to be spontaneous since we do not need to find anybody to stay home with RJC. We do some house cleaning/fixing that is easier to do when it's just us in the house. Mostly we appreciate the time together which reminds us of what brought us together in the first place.
Now that we are only one week away I am really working hard to distract myself. Still, even during the day, I picture packing the suitcase, packing up the car, the 45 minute drive, and the intake process. It mostly makes my stomach hurt. Why I can't just let this be when we are going on the 6th year and I know she is perfectly happy? The camp offers her structured fun, time to be independent, a place to meet new people, an opportunity to obtain new skills, and a chance to reinforce the very important concept that she is fine without her parents constantly around.
In fact, that last issue is the reason we started to send her to camp. We need her to feel comfortable and know that she is fine without us around. It will be her future at some point and this knowledge, gained through this experience, is a gift to her. A gift of self confidence and connections with others. In fact, these two weeks are not really about her going to camp. It is about a life skill that will be essential for her in order to live a happy life as she gets older and finds her way in the world without us around on a daily basis...and at some point...without us around.
I am very sure that my current anxiety centers on the idea that right now I can meet her needs. I am the mama - the one who understands her when others don't and who can find ways to figure out what she needs when she does not have the words. The thought of a time coming when I cannot be her "go to" or "her person" (if you watch Grey's Anatomy) is incredibly painful to think about yet it is our responsibility as her parents to do so.
This is always a rough week and I have come to expect feeling out of sorts and a bit of sadness laced with a bit of guilt. I have also come to expect to feel excited and look forward to having some fun with my husband, seeing friends and relaxing a bit. It is certainly a week of complicated emotions. In the end, I know that this is the right thing for RJC even if it is not her preference and even if it is not easy for me.
Because I love her.
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