I'm Another Year Older

I had my birthday a few days ago and I am now officially closer to sixty years old than I am to fifty.


Today, RJC had a pretty bad hour. It was one of those situations where we couldn't do much of anything except ride it out. There was screaming and pinching and jumping and banging into the wall and frantic hand gestures and even some tears (which we rarely see). It so happens that I also had cataract surgery recently so I was terrified that her flailing hands would hit one of my eyes. Something I honestly hadn't worried about before - if she hit me, she hit me.  When things finally calmed down, she was a mass of sweat and we were a mass of nerves.


Talk about a dose of reality. I could not help but to think, once again, what is coming for us in the next fifteen years or so. My husband and I are getting older. This means a greater chance that medical issues will come up. It is probable that we won't be as strong or as steady. She, however, is still young and strong and, well, diagnosed with autism. This means she will continually need 24/7 support, including people who can help her get through these difficult moments without her (or them) getting hurt.


She also needs happiness, safety, and love.


So what's a parent to do? Yes yes yes I am aware that there are group homes. I am also very aware that getting her into a group home isn't possible right now (it's a State thing) and I'm also looking for something different for her. I'm not convinced that a group home setting is the appropriate place for her. I'm trying to think of alternatives but I haven't settled yet on what would make me comfortable for her. Not completely anyway, though I have some thoughts.


I am starting to seriously think that we need to find like-minded people to sit down with (people looking for something different than a group home setting), draw up a plan, and figure out what steps we need to take to make this (whatever it is) happen. I imagine that money will be a huge obstacle, as will property (tightly intertwined to the money issue), legal issues, finding those like-minded people, and about a zillion other things. To this point whenever we talk about our dreams for our gal they seem so insurmountable that I freeze. In truth, it's kind of at that point now where it's (as my mom used to say) "Poop or get off the pot" (she used a different word for "poop". Just sayin').


Today was pretty eye opening. Maybe it will give me some oomph to move on this. My fear is that I'm tired and overwhelmed with what I'm doing as it is. Hopefully I'll find the strength to pull this together and at least get a start at chatting with people. How hard can that be? A step at a time and see where it goes.


For my gal. For myself. For my family. For other families. Because she deserves to be happy and safe and loved.