Sunday, July 7, 2013

Continuing in the Face of Fear and Doubt (or) Mommy Worries

RJC is off to camp this afternoon.  It's an overnight camp for two weeks and though she has been there for two weekends this past year, this is the longest time she will be away from home...and from me.  A few years ago she did go to an overnight camp for a week and while it went pretty well, she also came home with a nasty, itchy, and unexplained rash.  It turned her off from ever going back to camp and made me very wary of letting others take care of her.  Looking back, I should not have let that scare me off from trying another camp experience but I did.  On top of that, it was easier for both of us.  Not the right attitude, I realize now, but it's where my head was at the time.

So why now?  It is becoming increasingly obvious, even in the very short time that she has been out of school and thrust into the world of adult services, that she needs to have more skills in the area of independence.  She has some impressive independent daily living skills, thanks to her most awesome school and our Board Certified Behavior Analyst!  She showers with very limited help (and that includes washing her own hair), she is capable of heating food in the microwave or making herself a bagel and cream cheese, she dresses herself and can amuse herself for hours between the computer and the iPad.  She can make her bed, empty the dishwasher, fold laundry (not that she does that very often) and will help take care of feeding the dog or letting her in and out of the house.  The big area of dependence is:  me.  It's like I'm her very own teddy bear.  She may not need me to do anything for her, but her preference for my physical presence is obvious.  In turn, I am secure in the knowledge that she is fine.  I can hear her computer in the background or can hear her buzzing around the kitchen and I have no worries about her safety.  We are codependent in that way.

There was something that happened in my brain when she lost the safety net of school and I watched her struggle to get used to her new setting.  In just the last two weeks I felt much older.  It became very clear, crystal clear, that she would need to be able to adjust to other adults around and be ok with that.  I had signed her up for camp before she graduated, and while I'm not thrilled that she is having anxiety around the idea of being gone for two weeks, I also know that this is the right thing to do.  For her. 

As her mommy, I do not want her to have a second of anxiety.  I always want her to be happy and secure.  I also know that it is part of the mommy job to figure out a way to give her that happiness and security when I'm not around.  And not to be morbid about it, but at some point there is a statistical chance that I will not be around for the duration of her life.  I would not be doing an important part of my mommy job if I did not prepare her for being with other people, in other settings, and finding a way to make that just as comfortable for her as when I am with her - or at least close to that level of comfort.

There are many positives in this new step.  I'm sending her to camp where her sister is working.  She has been there before so it is a familiar setting.  I will be sending some food with her since she's quite fussy, so I won't need to worry about her being hungry.  We've talked about some of the activities she'll be able to do and she seems quite thrilled about the prospect of horseback riding!  There is plenty to do to that will keep her busy and she is bringing her "big Barney" with her - is there really anything else she needs?

Having her at camp for two weeks means there are perks for me...I plan to sleep in the dark every night and wake up in bed with my husband.  We have plans to be away for three nights and though it includes a visit to a residential farm for adults with special needs, for the most part it's an honest-to-goodness few days vacation from work and house chores and just spending time enjoying my husband's company. 

But that is NOT why she is going to camp.

She is going to camp so that we can both learn that we are ok when we are not together.  That she can adapt, have fun, try new activities, maybe even try some new foods (gasp) and be able to find a way to communicate effectively with other people!  She is also going to have the opportunity to be with other girls in her age range.  Now that's exciting!  I'm also hoping she will learn to get through difficult feelings.  She's having some obvious anxiety about leaving for camp but learning to cope with that anxiety and finding out that she is an emotionally strong young lady who can make it through and come out happy and healthy on the other side of that emotion...well, what a gift.  A lifelong gift really, that I cannot give to her by reading her a social story or trying to tell her she'll be ok.  It's just a difficult emotional experience to get through.  But the key is that I believe she can and will get through it and come out with a heightened self-esteem and self-reliance.  What every mommy wants to give every child. 

I don't remember who used to talk about giving their children the gifts of roots and wings (probably Oprah or Dr. Phil - lol).  In any case, I get that now.  It cannot be my own doubts or fears that hold me back from giving my girls their independence which leads (in my opinion) to a greater quality of life.  RJC's independence will look different from my other child's independence, but nevertheless it is important to her emotional growth.  Learning to cope and find a new way to be happy - now those are life skills.

The next two weeks won't be without their challenges for RJC or for me, but we will continue on and get through it and grow in ways that may surprise us.  We never know what's around the corner, that's for sure, but the more tools in the toolbox, the better off we are for tackling the next challenge.  So here we go...

No comments:

Post a Comment