It's funny how you can build something up in your mind, and then when it comes, it's not as bad or as good as you expect. This was the case with today's graduation. I built it up to be an emotional, difficult time and it was. But not as bad as I thought. On the flip side, there were also some beautiful and memorable moments.
The graduation started out with RJC leading the graduates into the gym. "Hi Mommy, Hi Daddy, Hi Grandma, Hi Grandpa" along with shout outs to other people she knew and spotted, while waving with gusto. Couldn't help but to laugh. We all watched as the graduates took their places and we marveled that they were all in caps and gowns. That may not sound like a big deal, but to students with anxiety, sensory issues, need for routine etc. - it was a big deal. And everyone there understood that and appreciated the moment.
Every student was introduced and their teachers said a few words. The graduates came to the front of the room and stood with various degrees of understanding as to what this ceremony was all about. I watched as one student put his head on his teacher's shoulder in such a show of affection and comfort. Another student cheered himself on happily. Another had help walking over to the podium and was encouraged to stay in the general area. Each graduate had their own way of taking in the moment. This was not about their GPA and nobody spoke of scholarships. It was about them - their personalities and their growth. It was amazing to hear some of their stories - such huge accomplishments - some academic, others more about personal growth. Here's what RJC's teacher said about her:
" In May of 2005, P was blessed with another of my graduates. RJC entered P's room with another "concerned" mama wondering "Will it work?" Well it did work. And in the years with P, RJC enjoyed many great experiences. From the Big E to parks and the many great shows we saw over the years. Misunderstandings? A few. Calls to mom? A few. Maybe one or two (on a personal note, that just cracked me up). But, with P's guidance, RJC tried her best to learn and grow as a great River Street student.
When RJC came to my room, she curiously began a new journey to understand new written schedules, different workshop schedules, and of course, B's music with lemonade and popcorn on Friday. Her excitement for this made my Friday's!
RJC will soon begin working at ___ programs, both in (name cities) where I know she will make new friends. I will miss her cheerful morning greeting and her daily compliments about my "pretty glasses."
I loved it.
As wonderful as much of the ceremony was, it was impossible to get through the graduation without tears.
Some were tears of joy. I was truly so very proud of her. She has come a long, long, long way. This was obvious by the fact that she sat (relatively) quiet throughout the ceremony (though there was a bit of "Barney" talk and the standard wiggling and adjusting of clothing). We were blessed to have some special people join us - those professionals who were there for the very rough beginning years and who were the first ones who changed our lives for the better. There were some friends who missed work to share this moment and be supportive (as they always are). My in-laws came and they have been there quite literally since day one. I watched as two friends representing the parents of the school stood up and spoke eloquently (and with just a bit of their own tears). It was very impressive and I felt proud to know such women and thought about how our kids just adored each other. So yes, there was definitely an element of joy.
There were also tears of amazement . I was not only proud of my own gal but of her friends who graduated with her. Over the years I've come to know these young people and in some cases, their families. We've cheered each other's kids on at various holiday shows and award ceremonies. We've shared birthdays, vacation day activities, information, achievements and frustrations. Watching the graduates today and hearing what their teachers said about them was like watching the end of a "to be continued" television series. Sort of bittersweet where you're eager to know what happens next but you're also sad that this season is over.
Then there were those tears of loss. Remembering a student who was no longer with us, who would have graduated with this class. Tears about leaving this school where they kept her safe and happy and where she was cared for emotionally and physically. Where she had an opportunity to grow academically and personally. Where the staff and administrators are completely dedicated and consistently go above and beyond. This is a huge loss to all of us. I loved being able to feel secure when I sent her off in the morning and know that if there were a problem it'd be taken care of appropriately. That if she needed something it would be given. That if I had a question, it would be answered. This is a a huge loss.
There were tears of frustration and fear in thinking about RJC's future. The short-term future. We do not have a starting date for her adult program (yes, we thought we did and I know it will start at some point but apparently there is one darn sheet of paper that has not been faxed over - don't know why. Don't know specifically who. Very frustrating). Once she does start, we have no way to know how her adjustment will be. It is starting over for all of us. I will need to figure out this new system including who to call for what issues, how to best communicate, and how to be sure my gal gets what she needs. Then there are the big issues of her safety and happiness which I've not worried about in many years. The tears of frustration and fear were plenty.
Worst of all - tears of helplessness. The knowledge that her verbal skills are limited and that she will not necessarily be able to express her feelings. She may not understand that she is leaving her school for good. If she does understand that, she may wonder why she is leaving. It is probably confusing and I worry that she'll think she did something wrong. She may feel lost or sad but not be able to express that. There will definitely be people she misses and we all know how painful that can be. And THAT made me saddest of all. Those tears were the ones that could fill an ocean.
I'm glad the day is over. It is hard to explain that I so completely and totally love my girl for who she is, yet at the same time I wish with my heart and soul that things were different. I do not want her to feel scared or confused or unhappy. Yes, I know that every mom feels this way about their children and I feel this way about my other child as well. The difference is in the understanding and processing of those feelings. She may have all of these emotions that she cannot understand or express, and I will not know exactly what she is feeling or how to help her through it. I honestly do not know what she understood about today. She may be expecting to go back to school. I am not able to talk to her about her adult program because I don't know a starting date and we cannot talk about it until it can be added to the calendar. While I know this is not my "fault" it makes me feel like I am failing her in an important way. I cannot help her prepare for her new setting right now and at some point I will just be springing it on her. That seems wrong but there is no other way. It's The System.
So here we are at Graduation Day. Amazing how I spent almost the entire year thinking about and dreading this very day. And here we are. My conclusion?
This is not an ending, nor is it a beginning. It just is.
And so the adventure continues.
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