Decisions. Oy.

Decisions can be difficult.  Decisions about my children can be beyond difficult.  Even worse, I never know if I made the right decision.  This recent Jewish holiday found me making decisions about both my children.

Child 1 decision:  The Jewish High Holy Days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur (the Jewish New Year and the Day of Atonement) are always very complicated for me when it comes to RJC.  We love our synagogue community.  RJC is accepted and welcomed when we go to services during the year and she has the opportunity to participate in services as well.  These holidays, however, are a horse of a different color.  There are so many people.  Instead of a hundred or so we are talking multiples of a hundred.  People who are not used to seeing my girl, not used to hearing my girl, well...they're just not used to my girl.

Every year I struggle with what to do.  I could bring her to services.  She would have the opportunity to be part of the very large community that attends during the holidays.  She would see some familar faces.  She would recognize some of the tunes.  She would be a part of our community. 

On the other hand, she would also be apart from our community.  She would probably disturb others with her Barney self talk earning stares and possibly comments. She would probably be overwhelmed by the crowd, the perfume and cologne smells, the larger group of people, not being able to sit in her "regular" spot (during the holidays there are reserved seats for some and in order to sit in the front section we'd need to get there very early).

The other issue is a selfish one.  If I have RJC with me the opportunity for me to get anything out of the service is just about zip, zero, zilch.  As this is a service that requires concentration and contemplation, having RJC with me means my focus is on her.  On her alone.

So every year when the holidays fall on a school day I send her off to school and feel guilty.  Then I work it out in my head and feel ok about it.  Then I get to synagogue and see my friends who made the choice to bring their kids and I feel guilty.  Then I focus on the service and feel ok about it.  Then I start to think about RJC and feel guilty.  Well...you get the picture.  Every year.  So this year I made up my mind not to feel guilty.  It worked.  At times.  Still not sure this was the right decision.

Child 2 decision:  RJC's sister, NMC, just started college and happily I picked her and a friend up from school so we could spend the holiday together.  I get word that a swastika was found drawn in a building at her school.  Just as disturbing, there are students who consider this "free speech."  So what to do?  I'm not comfortable sending her back to a potentially volatile situation.  On the other hand, I am well aware that this is part of the world we live in and that she is no longer sheltered at a Jewish Day School.  Ug.

I spend a ton of time on the phone with the school.  I read the parent's list, I read the email sent from the school.  I have multiple conversations with NMC and her friend, trying to gauge their comfort level.  And now...a decision to make.  I think she should go back to school and that I should let the school handle the issue as they seem to have things under control from what I can tell by our conversations.  I am aware that this is an important issue for her to work through with her peers as well as on a personal level.  On the other hand her safety is by far the most important concern so perhaps this is not the correct decision.  I think she should stay home where I know she is safe.  What to do, what to do?  A decision needs to be made.

I drive the girls to school.  NMC walks me to the Security Office so I can have a face-to-face conversation and get some comfort level that this was the correct decision.  She has things to do so she kisses me goodbye and off she goes.  She seems happy to be back at school, her new home.  I have a conversation with Security, then a further phone conversation with a Residential Staff.  I make the decision to leave and I hope it's the right one.

This was a holiday of difficult decisions.  I'm not sure I did the right thing in either situation, but I know I thought them through carefully and as objectively as possible. 

Good practice for the months to come.