The Hard Thing to Do is the Right Thing to Do

I really struggled with sending RJC to overnight camp for two weeks this summer.  With her increase in communication skills, she was incredibly crystal clear that she absolutely did not want to go to camp.  She wanted to stay home.  She left no doubt about that.


The guilt for the week before we took her to camp was incredibly strong and kept me up nights.  I believed, logically, that sending her to camp was the right thing to do for her and for me.  In my heart, I hated that I was forcing her to do something she did not want to do.  I worried because I did not know why she did not want to go - her communication skills just are not that developed for us to have that conversation.  As her sister was a counselor there last year (and this year) we had many conversations where she assured me that last year RJC was completely happy.  I knew that food was an issue last summer - she really did not like the camp food and was probably hungry.  Other than that, I could not think of a bad experience she may have had.


I thought about why I wanted her to go to camp.  For her benefit and mine.


For her benefit:  at twenty-two years old, RJC and I are still incredibly close.  We spend a great deal of time together and truth be told, we both enjoy that time.  There is, however, the circle of life issue.  It is simply a fact that I cannot get away from, as the  years go by (and I am feeling those years, believe me).  I need her to feel secure with other people.  I need her to make connections with other people.  I need her to communicate with other people.  Being at camp for two weeks allows her to truly experience time with other people and realize that she can enjoy that time.  I also wanted her to have experiences that she does not normally have on a daily basis - boating, language arts, music, swimming and other recreational activities (and taking a break from the iPad and Barney).  Just as importantly, if not more importantly,  she was taking care of herself more independently - using her words to communicate with people she does not know well, navigating a new schedule, sharing living space with more people.  To be able to do this successfully and know that she is ok - this is the gift of overnight camp.


For my benefit:  in truth, it's simple things.  Sleeping uninterrupted (well, except when my own issues keep me up - lol), sleeping in the dark (heavenly), choosing how I want to spend my time, having quality time to focus on my marriage, and not having to concern myself with child care if we want to do something so we can spontaneously make a decision about what to do.  Even the quiet of our household has been weird but nice.  We watch television shows without Barney in the background, we do not repeat the daily schedule (or weekly schedule, or monthly schedule) a zillion times a day.  Ok, twenty - fifty times a day, but it feels like a zillion.  


I did do a few things to make myself more comfortable with this.  I bought food for her and gave it to the camp.  This way I know she is not hungry (a Jewish mother's nightmare, you know).  I spoke to the counselors about helping her brush her teeth, letting her call whenever she wants to, and that I was concerned about her sleep.  The camp, on their part, has emailed me to let me know she is eating just fine, the other campers get along well with her, and that she is sleeping great.  She has called once - told me she went horseback riding and sounded just fine.  She has only been there for five days so I can only continue to pray that the next week and change is just as positive. 


Parenting any child is a challenge.  No doubt about it.  Add the autism spectrum to the mix and...well...it's just a different challenge that truly has me second guessing every decision.  We are still making decisions for our adult daughter on the spectrum - decisions that other parents do not need to make when their child is twenty-two and older.  While I worry about my younger adult daughter, it is a different type of worry.  I trust that she knows how to make good decisions and we can have in depth conversations as needed.  With RJC, I am making decisions that she may or may not like, but her dislikes and likes are not based on adult thinking.  I have to be the adult making decisions for her and while I will always take her "wants" into account, I need to take her "NEEDS" into account.  That's my job so that she will be able to have a functional, happy, safe, adult life without me.  And sometimes the "wants" and the "needs" do not mesh.


That's when the hard thing to do is the right thing to do.