Too Much Time Together?

I've been home full time for two weeks now.  RJC and I are spending a huge amount of time together on a daily basis.  I used to come home at 6:30 PM so my husband was spending three hours with her each day by himself.  By the time I came home it was time for dinner, the nighttime routine and bed.  Now that I am home full time I am doing the drop off and the pick up at her adult program, so my husband can work overtime.  This means that RJC and I are together for all except six hours a day.  We find activities to do together in the afternoon so she is not sitting around watching television or playing on the iPad.  The down part of this...she has become so used to my presence that if I am out of site I will hear the yell "WHERE"S MOMMY?"  I can literally be in the next room (and we have a small house) but I will hear the battle cry.  She will direct most question to me rather than her dad.  When he tries to respond she wants none of it.  She has quickly gotten used to spending time together and is starting to show a dependency that concerns me. 


On the other hand, there is a very positive aspect of all this time together. In just the few weeks I've been home I've had a great deal more energy, patience, and opportunity to work on some of the behaviors that are stopping her from working out in the community.  She is a smart little cookie but her disruptive and sometimes frightening screaming behavior is a barrier to her future.  I've decided to focus on this issue and have been working a great deal on "Use your words." For example, at her day program I was told that she was screaming because she wanted more ice cubes (I am not making this up, the girl screams over ice cubes).  Our conversation went something like this:


Me:  RJC, there is no more yelling.  You need to use your words.  How many ice cubes do you want at lunch?
RJC:  Three
Me:  Say, "I want three ice cubes please."
RJC:  "I want three ice cubes please."
Me:  Good job.  No yelling.  Use your words nicely.
RJC:  "I want three ice cubes please."
Me:  Yes.  Good job.


The next day we practice in the car on the way to her program.


Me:  What will you say at lunch today?
RJC:  "I want three ice cubes please."
Me:  That's right.  There is no yelling.  Use your words.


When I drop her off at her program the staff is there and we practice so the staff knows the expectation.


Me:  What will you say at lunch today?
RJC:  "I want three ice cubes please."
Me:  Good job.  There is no yelling.  Use your words.


All went well that day at lunch.


The tough thing is that she does not generalize this behavior.  Her initial reaction to almost everything - small and big - is to yell.  If she is to ever work in the community or even when we are out and about in the community, this is not appropriate behavior.  At twenty-two years old it is time to get this under control.


Since we are spending more time together, I have had more time to work on this issue.  There are plenty of opportunities.  We went miniature golfing and she was hot so she was yelling, "SHADE."  When I say yelling, I mean loud. There were no trees for shade nearby and people were staring.  She was agitated and irritated and not responsive in any way to my prompt "Use your words." 


Me:  RJC, you need to use your words.  Stop screaming.  If you use your words quietly then when we get home you can have some cookies and cream candy bar.
RJC:  (thinking it over and more quietly now):  No home.  I want candy.
Me (slightly panicked):  There is no candy bar here.  It's at home.  No more screaming for some candy bar (and I'm now thinking why oh why do candy bars have to melt in hot cars)?
RJC:  Look over there, it's a snack bar gummy bear.
Me:  (realizing there is indeed a snack bar):  Do you want gummy bears at the snack bar?
RJC:  Yes please.
Me:  No more screaming while we play golf.  It's not nice.  Use your words.  There is no shade here.  In the summer the sun comes out.  No more screaming.
RJC (giggles):  It's summer.  I want gummy bears.  The baby is sleeping, shhhh.
Me:  Yes.  No more screaming.  Use your words.


She held it together.  I would remind her that she was doing a good job and I bought her the gummy bears.


This is a huge amount of work but since we are spending so much time together there are also many opportunities for working this on behavior.


Somehow though, I need to balance the positives of working on behaviors without allowing our relationship to turn into a dependency.  My husband encourages me to get out so they still have time together without me.  I have made plans for her to go to overnight camp again this summer for two weeks and she has been clear that she wants to stay home.  She did fine last summer and my other daughter, who works at the camp, has reassured me a zillion times that she had fun and was not at all unhappy.  While she prefers to be home because it is easier she needs to know that if I am not around she is still able to be ok.  I completely understand this.  Still, for me, this is a dilemma.  I hate it when either of my children are unhappy.  Hate it.  It makes me physically ill.  However, I am also incredibly aware that I am getting older and she needs to be ok without me always being in her presence.  For whatever reason, this year is the year that this has become increasingly obvious to me.  I wish I had worked on this issue earlier, when she was considerably younger, but I didn't.  Big mistake.


So, I am working on the screaming behavior for her and BOTH of us are working on the independence issue.  I am also aware that my discomfort cannot keep her from learning the skills she needs to grow into the most independent adult that she can be so that she has opportunities in her future rather than limitations.


The question remains.  Too much time together?  Parenting.  Man.  It's tough.